A Few Thoughts

My mind is swirling today and has led me back to this long-neglected blog. This joint has been a ghost town for almost two years, so I'm pretty confident that at this point, I'll be talking to myself. That will have to do.

So much has happened in the past 20 months, the biggest development being that I am now married! Unbelievably, the one who was chronically single for years and wondered if it would EVER happen for her (that would be me, people) is now a wife. Sometimes I can't believe it myself!

Now you're caught up. Onto my thoughts for today....

...which, actually, can be tied to my prior announcement, considering that we spent the majority of 2011 planning our destination wedding. I've been spending much of this afternoon looking at TheNest.com because, if you didn't know this already, once you register on TheKnot.com and actually GET married, you are automatically "referred" to The Nest. Nice. I stumbled across a couple of articles about "Maintaining Friendships after Marriage" and "How To Know if You're a Good Friend", which then let me to "8 Types of Toxic Friends", which then led me to message boards about friendships within marriage, and in general. Following me here? I hope so.

What resonated with me the most is the shared experiences I have had with many of the women who were posting comments on these articles and boards. Ever since my DH (dear Husband) found his way to Florida in mid-2010, I have felt as if my social life was dwindling. Florida can be an interesting place to live, in that it's a beautiful state with plenty of things to do, but sometimes finding the right set of people to do those things with can be a challenge. That was our struggle. Sure, I had my friends from my single days who all took kindly to my (at the time) BF, but they weren't HIS friends. I ended up having a MAJOR falling out with the one half of the couple that I thought we'd be spending the majority of our time with, a fallout that never quite fixed itself, even after hashing it all out in a long conversation. As a result, I, as many of the female posters, began to feel a bit socially isolated. And now that I'm married? Forgetaboutit.

The wedding planning process was eye-opening. There have been people in my life who I had considered friends up until this process began. We hung out, laughed, shared personal experiences with one another. They'd call me when they needed support, and vice versa. Some were people I worked with, others friends from back in the day. One by one, true colors began to emerge and showed me that, really, not everyone is as down for you as I you would like to think.

It amazes me how some find it SO difficult to celebrate another person. To extract himself (or, mostly HERself) from their present situation to be present for someone else. I think about the number of times I've had to do that, and it boggles my mind. It's frustrating when someone is unable to do the same for you. I was thinking about the number of people who stated they WANTED to come to the wedding, but couldn't due to money or the need to travel...yet never sent a gift. That's amazing to me. I'm not greedy but dang, it would've been a nice gesture.

Some attribute this type of behavior to jealousy, which came up several times in the material I was reading today. I've never been the type to be like "that heffa is JEALOUS of ME", because I know how that comes off and don't want to be that girl. I will readily admit that there have been times when I've been jealous of people I know; in fact, I attended a wedding in 2004 that was so amazing and beautiful and awesome that I don't know how my green-eyed monster was able to keep still (not to mention, I was pathetically single at the time and it was the 5th wedding I had attended that year). But, because I know the other side (BEING jealous), I know what to look for in others. People can conceal it so brilliantly too.

Case in Point: Officemate Bridezilla. This was someone I once considered a friend, even outside of work. I helped her get the job she currently holds, because I thought she'd be great at it (which she is) and wanted to see her more. The day I returned to work and announced my engagement (he proposed 12/30/10, we were back to work on 1/2/11), she informed us that HER boyfriend had spoken to her father and asked him for HER hand in marriage. While my (at the time) fiance and I were beginning to exciting process of planning our wedding and sharing our good news with other friends, she decided that she would start planning her wedding as well. Although it seemed odd because she wasn't engaged, we (in the office) were game...at first. She began putting down wedding deposits, getting extra loud with people on the phone, reserving her DJ..all without a ring. Her planning became so central to everything happening in the office that mine was diminished. I felt shut down. I could not discuss any details of my wedding without her comparing it to what SHE was doing.

Finally, almost two months later, her boyfriend proposed and they planned to marry one month after me. Things in that office went from mildly tense to unbearable. This may all be coincidence, but she chose a wedding dress by the same designer as mine. Her engagement ring came from the same store as mine. She ordered her save-the-dates from the same vendor. At this point, I was not discussing my wedding plans at ALL, unless she had left the room. It was a competetion. I later learned that I was being discussed when I was absent from the office; excited conversation would cease amongst the other girls when I returned. I almost felt bullied and hated coming to work. I still planned to invite her to the wedding because of the prior friendship we had; she never acknowledged receiving the save-the-date OR the invitation. Never. Never had anything kind to say about our engagement photos or any of our plans. Never expressed an intent to come; she didn't RSVP to the wedding until I created a separate group to reach out to those who hadn't replied. And I shared an OFFICE with the broad. Her response: Declined.

The straw that broke the camel's back came around my bridal shower. I had two showers; my private shower for invited wedding guests (to which she was invited), and a work shower. She never once acknowledged the planning or invitation to the private shower. And, once my co-workers decided to throw me a work shower and called me first (because my wedding was first), she lost her S@$T. Of course, not to me. But to everyone else who would listen...which, of course, got back to me. When they called and offered her a shower 10 minutes later, she declined. The next day, she and I were alone in the office and after her refusing to speak to me the entire day, I finally turned to her and said "do you have an issue with me? I need you to let me know if you do". She denied it, saying that she was "stressed over her wedding" and encouraging me " not to take it personally". That was that. The next day was my private shower, which she did not attend. In fact, when I returned to work on Monday, she not only ignored the fact that I even HAD a shower, but made to point to excitedly ask our other officemate about her recent vacation.

I was through. I emailed my boss and asked her to get me out of that office, and moved two days later. I deleted and blocked her and her close girlfriends from my Facebook page. I returned her RSVP (because yes, after all this she invited me to her wedding) and stated we would not be in attendance. I got married in November and it was beautiful. Just beautiful. I returned to work to a slew of congratulatory messages - except from her. To this day, I only exchange pleasantries with her. With friends like THIS, who needs enemies?

I told this ridiculously long story as an illustration of how people's true colors tend to emerge. Her example is the extreme; it's bad to say, but I would've expected this terrible behavior from a miserably single person who was trying to sabotage my happiness, NOT someone I once considered a friend who was having a shared experience! My absolute BEST FRIEND got married 6 months before I did, and never ONCE did I feel a spirit of competition with her. I stood in her awesome wedding, she stood in mine. I made a point to be at her pre-wedding activities, and she did the same for me. THAT is friendship. That's how it's supposed to be. I'm grateful for her example to help me weed the "real folks" from the evil in my life.

Saying all this to say, my circle of friends has dramatically shrunk in the past year. It makes me a little sad at times, because I genuinely had good experiences with these people. But sometimes you have to move on, especially when that person is doing more harm than good. Life is too short to dwell on those who suck life from you. The wedding reminded us of those in our lives who are AMAZING, TRUE friends and I wish they would ALL move to Florida! :)

My prayer is that the Lord would bless my husband and me with a genuine group of people who we can laugh with, spend time with, and trust. We already have a few people like that, for whom we are thankful. Can't hurt to have more. :)