Wednesday, April 21, 2010

LDR Realities:The Phone

Wow, has it really been 6 months since I posted up in here? Eek! Well, I made a promise to myself (and Facebook, for those who cared) that I would start writing again, so here I am. I'll be volleying back and forth between this site -- which is more open for public perusal, and the other one -- which is where I am more free to vent about personal stuff, as needed.

Those who have known me awhile are aware -- or not -- that when I first went back to school to get my Masters, I wanted to focus on relationship counseling. My career has not really led me in that direction, but has not squashed my interest in interpersonal relationships, especially those of the romantic sort. There's this new show on VH-1, "Tough Love: Couples", that has become my new crack. It's just fascinating to me. And although I'm no expert on the topic, I'm now six months into the most grown-up relationship I've ever had -- long distance on top of everything else -- so I feel that I have some quality opinions to add to to the topic. Maybe. I don't plan for this to turn into the "She Knows Everything about Love"blog, because CLEARLY I don't, but sharing my observations can be fun...and perhaps anyone who stumbles across this page will have something to add.

My friend from college had written an interesting blog a few weeks back about how much she boos upon long-distance relationships, with good reason. Was this the ideal situation for me? Not at all. Is he worth it? Absolutely. But, we continue to bump heads around an essential tool that I've had issues with for many years: the telephone.

Now, I've been on the other end of this spectrum. As my girl Kat and I discussed on Saturday, we've encountered the brothas who believe in "textual relationships". My man is not cut of this fabric. He will text during work as necessary,but also steals moments to call and say "I just wanted to hear your voice". Those things are sweet and endearing. They always make me smile. So, my issues do not stem from this. No, my issues come after a long day at work. He is one hour behind me (Eastern Standard versus Central), so when I get home, I go straight into veg mode. I mean, peel off the work clothes, put on my play clothes, walk the dog, turn on the TV veg mode. By the time I'm good and comfortable, he calls. We work in similar fields, but we deal with our workdays differently -- I leave work AT work, while he likes to process his day with me. Sometimes that takes 5 minutes, sometimes it takes 20. Unfortunately, I have an attention span of a gnat (and am not afraid to admit it!). So at minute marker 10, I'm disengaged. This boils down to the basic problem I've had with friends who are less understand of who I am: I am not a phone person. I am a direct communicator, or so says the communication style assessment I took last month. Meaning, I am a "get to the point, no need to illustrate the story" type person. He, on the other hand, is an illustrative and detailed storyteller. I tend to stay on the phone even when I don't have anything to say or contribute to the conversation.

Fortunately, I took this assessment with him and we were able to identify our differences. Yeah..great. So now what? It's one thing to know information; the important part is, what do you do with this new information?

We've resolved it like this - when I know I'm distracted, like watching something on TV or reading...whatever, I'll get off of the phone. As simple as that sounds, when you only see someone once a month, every moment matters. Or, at least you convince yourself that it does. So, we've been learning as we grow that we do have lives and interests outside of each other and pursuing those is not a slight against our relationship. Balance, people.

We'll always talk enough to see what kind of day the other is having, hopefully all is well and if we need to talk later, we will. If we have the time and desire to sit on the phone for a couple of hours, we do that. Either way, we make sure that the other is happy. Nothing replaces physically being together in the same room, but with this current situation, we'll take what we can get.

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